My Metoo story.
You always see and read online about stories of nightmare employees or some story that has a #metoo moment behind it. In all my years I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. It’s not #metoo in the sense of it being sexual harassment, but more harassment in general and the cultural norms of the tech industry. I’ve kept most things in this article somewhat vague and generic such as titles, industry, and projects, in fear I might be recognized for writing this, so I apologies in advance for the style of writing. I also changed the name of the person to a generic name that is not identified as a male or female.
I’ve been a manager at a start-up for that past 3 years and have been in the workforce for several years (since 2010). Before starting my position, the company hired some members of my team in a last-minute scuttle to offset workload. I didn’t have an opportunity to interview them or gauge if they’d be a good fit. We were all brought in a couple of weeks apart. One of our team members named Alex, (Not their real name, protecting their identity) took an accelerator course over 6–8 weeks in their field and relocated to our office for their first real-world job.
On my first day, I met my team and sat with them one at a time. I wanted to know the expectations of their role and what goals they wanted to set for themselves for that year. Most conversations went well, but when I spoke with Alex that conversation felt very different then the ones I had before. I asked the same questions, in the same order, but the vibe and responses I got were…odd. One minute our conversation was about what brought them to the company and the next Alex started to speak half-truths about knowledge of their role and title. Slowly, Alex started to manipulate the conversation and make it about them. I laughed it off and chalk it up to first job jitters, newbie trying to come in and sound all macho, I get it, I told myself they are young, maybe they are nervous since I’ll be there boss, I’m sure it was a misunderstanding…
Our workspace like most startup office spaces in America was an open concept. I noticed the next day Alex was loud. The way Alex addressed people made me think they knew them for a long time, even though it was Alex’s first week. Around this time I was getting to know the company’s system/infrastructure. Leadership sent me some documentation and I uploaded it to the system. Alex took notice and immediately told me I was doing it incorrectly. This threw me off as a manager as I’ve used this software before, but it turns out, Alex started 2 days before me and is already claiming to know how to do things in the company when this is their first job. This seemed very unsettling to me about having them dictate how and where I need to put documents. It was a big red flag in my head, especially when you only started 2 days ago.
As time when on, I assigned Alex to various projects. Alex would work with a couple of different project managers at a time. When it came to doing the work and Alex didn’t like what others had to say, Alex would argue with them about how they were wrong. When the project managers tried to back up their facts with experience (10–15 years), Alex would immediately dismiss it and claim something they read on the internet or a book was the “one true answer” and that YOU as a person were wrong. This started to become a habit and a bad one. The tone Alex projected was one of dominance and talked down to people, even if it was their superior.
On a couple of occasions, Alex would start to manipulate conversations in front of other leaders giving guidance and direction to myself and the team when it should be the other way around. One of the other leaders slacked me saying that was very inappropriate of them. They were also having issues with Alex and this was about a month in.
During our team or company meetings, Alex would leave early to attend celebrations for other department team birthday’s. Our meetings weren’t important enough to stay in. When we tried to train Alex in various programs leadership funneled down to the team, Alex would become frustrated and say things like, “this doesn’t work for me, I’m going to use something else”- there was nothing else. Alex started using the term “me” more instead of “we”. There was even one scenario Alex complained to our scrum master that a program wasn’t working for them. The scrum master asked them in their ideal world what would work for them and to describe what they needed. Alex then went on to described the program in full detail. The scrum master listened, became silent for a minute, then looked down in disbelief shaking his head and explained the program Alex was describing was in front of them. Alex just said, “Ok, whatever”.
During team exercises, Alex would say things like “I like to work alone, and not within a team”. At other times during learning activities I’ve set up with the team, Alex would sigh, become disconnected and stay quiet until the meeting or activity was over, Zero interest was shown. I had to specifically build team exercises to isolate and target Alex’s behavior (unbeknown to Alex and the team, only to leadership) to have them understand the values of working in a team.
Over time Alex would ignore requests from me and do their own thing. Alex would work with leadership on various projects and cozy up to various PMs jumping the chain of command, even tried to get close to our founders. I even got to the point of Alex manipulating them to see only their views and go over my head. Alex would eventually find ways to get project tasks to do from other teams while ignoring the tasks I’ve assigned.
On another occasion Alex lied several times about being in different places, handing in projects, or finishing them. The lie was obvious and they told it in such a way when they were caught, the truth wasn’t even an option to see. Alex would leave for vacation and have us scrambling to find documentation, etc. Tasks became incomplete or just blatantly ignored. Every day it became more about them, how amazing they are, and bragging about all these powerful people in the industry they’ve met over random trips.
Upon discussing Alex’s behavior with my superiors, HR sent various warnings. At a certain point, HR set Alex straight–Either get with the show or they will be terminated. They set up a performance plan for them to stick to. For a while, it worked. The behavior stopped, but then it slowly came back little by little. The performance plan basically went nowhere and the fact our HR person left didn’t help.
After that, I sat Alex down and see if we could get to the bottom of our friction. I couldn’t understand where this dislike came from or this total disrespect. I blatantly said, “look I know we don’t get along, but I need you to work with me so we can accomplish what we need to get done at the end of every day. What can I do to help out and make it better? I noticed you talk and respect other PMs, is there something I am doing that is making you see otherwise?” Alex looked across the table and cracked a smug smile at me and said: “you’re right I don’t respect you, I don’t think you’re good or experience in what you do”. Immediately, I was pissed, but I couldn’t lash out or yell so I took the management approach and calmly asked what I could do differently. Alex gave a generic, but scary answer-Give them more. I asked for clarification and they said more to do, more responsibility, more control. That was a big no in my head, but I said: “I’ll see what I can do”. Any feedback I tried to give at the end of the meeting was immediately dismissed.
I tried to nurture and steer them in the best path that I could, but it wasn’t enough. The last thing I want is to have someone terminated, but after trying everything I see no other option. Unfortunately, it’s out of my hands. That’s the frustrating part. Alex’s behavior did get better, but Alex fell back into their old patterns and is getting more power-hungry. Almost like collecting people on their side to protect themselves. They are putting on a fake show with a fake laugh and a fake smile. I find lying like that all the time would be exhausting. Alex would eventually try to turn people against me or makes unnecessary comments to make myself to dumb in meetings.
Even after going to my superior several times with proper documentation on their behavior, still, nothing has been done. I was told work was getting done and that was it. It was not true. I don’t know if the leadership team is worried about less number of employees or what, but the behavior is inexcusable and generally unprofessional especially for someone in their first job. My leader failed me. Even after a candid conversation about it, I felt my leader turned their back on me and looked the other way, for whatever reason.
Eventually, we were acquired and that HR department did nothing about the problem even as it still continues. New players came into the company who have very similar personalities to Alex and I found it increased their harassing behavior. Almost like it was being encouraged in a non-verbal way. Alex started to more passive-aggressive. They would start to become overly nice to everyone like you’re trying too hard.
It’s this pattern that I’ve noticed through my career- the ignoring of your team’s problems that are occurring within. As this problem persisted the general sense of all the crap that was going on became a norm and I find that alarming and concerning. If it’s not fixed the structure internally will implode and I believe it’s starting to. I don’t think there is a rule yet on passive-aggressiveness in the workplace, but they're serious need to be. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place dealing with high school harassing drama bullshit. It’s demoralizing and I find the place to be toxic now. I’m distancing myself from this person or isolating them with small projects. That seems to work best, but overall I feel their behavior is very sociopathic. I’ll be looking for a new job soon since this hasn’t changed.
P.S. Feel free to leave comments or give advice.
